Too Damn Smart For His Own Good

Grammy's Dog

Atticus, my 5 almost 6-year-old, spent the night at his friends house on Tuesday. Yes it was a school night, but we figured, since it was his last week, it didn’t matter if he stayed up late one night.

Wednesday morning his friend’s mom left me a text to assure me that all went well, the kids were in bed by 9:15 and Atticus was an angel. Sighs of relief all around. I sat there and thought, “Okay, that wasn’t so bad, he didn’t embarrass me, there were no, middle of the night breakdowns and he got to school on time.” Phew

About 10am we get a phone call from the nurses office, “Atticus is sick, please come get him. “Oh no, I thought, what happened, did he miss me? “I drove to the school quick, like a bunny, and peered into the nurses office. There he was, sitting on the bench, backpack on, ready to go.

He didn’t look sick to me, but the nurse said, “Low-grade fever”, so I took him. As soon as we exited the office,”you aren’t really sick are you?” I asked. “No” he answered with a sneaky little smile. We got in the car, I turned to ask him what the deal was and he said, “Kadin’s mom took us too the liquor store and got us gatorade and chips and extreme airheads candy, she told us we couldn’t have the candy until we were out of school and now I’m out of school so can I have my candy.”

What!?!

The little stinker “tricked” his teacher into letting him go to the office, the nurse into taking his temperature, convinced her into calling us, all so he could try out the new candy he had never tried before.

Yes, I know he was sneaky and techincally lied, but man he’s good. We did have a little talk with him about trust and being able to count on him to tell the truth, but seriously, he’s a smarty pants.

I’m going to have to watch this one!!

Are You Reading Me?

So I’ve decided I really stink at blogging. I mean, I really want to do it on regular basis, but I just can’t think of anything to say.

The thing is, I don’t know any of you, besides the few I’ve met, so it’s hard to open up and tell you my secrets. So I’ve decide to tell you about things that I like, then maybe I will be able to open up and let the real stuff out, before it festers.

So today I’m going to tell you about the kind of books I like to read. That would be all of them!

No really, I love to read. I was the girl that read so much my mom had to take the book out of my hand to get my attention. I remember a time when I was 10 or 11, I was in the shower, the window was open to the back yard and I was in hot water. I got in trouble because my dad was in the backyard and he could see me leaning against the back wall with the water pointed down so as to not get my book wet, because I just couldn’t put it down.

I read under the covers with a flash light and in the back of the car on the highway at night, using the moonlight to see the words leap off the page.

Reading is my escape and my first real love. I’ve never had much of an imagination, I can’t imagine what something is going to look like and I never had imaginary friends when I was little, I had friends in books. They were friends that I could laugh with, cry with, I could run the gamut of emotion with them and it was okay, they would still be there for me tomorrow.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I started out with Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, The Happy Hollisters and Judy Bolten and The Hardy Boys. Those books are some of my favorite that I read over and over again and still do when feeling nostalgic. I wanted to be Trixie Belden and had a crush on Honey’s older brother just like she did. I, in my own mind was as clever as Nancy Drew and wanted cousins like Bess and George to have adventures with.

In the morning before school I would read the cereal box if I didn’t have a book handy and yes, I was the kid who took the time to read the dictionary.We had a really old dictionary with names and their meanings and a whole set of encyclopedias, I never had a shortage.

My sister and I used to ride our bikes to the library all the time and stay for hours. Summer reading lists were burned through in 2-3 weeks and I yearned for more. I had a voracious appetite for words and the places they could take me.

I am still the same way. I would much rather read a good book than watch a movie. When I find a good book, I have no problem reading a second or third time, they just keep getting better. There are so many things that you miss the first or second time through, things you may not appreciate in January, but come to appreciate in August.

Is it any wonder that my boys are named Atticus and Zane?

Why I Need To Get Away

This is my story of why I need to get away.

I’ve never really been what you would call a sharer. What I mean by that is, I’m not really good at sharing my fears, emotions or feelings of joy. I don’t want to be a burden.

Why am I like that? I’ve been hurt and my trust has been betrayed so many times that I can’t put it out there anymore.

When I was 11 my dad was in a serious bicycle accident and I had to grow up overnight. I missed out on so many of the childhood experiences that should have been mine for the taking.  I was a daddy’s girl through and through and I was devastated by his accident. From then on my role has been care taker and peace keeper and now, I am exhausted.

I was so emotionally stunted that I got married at 18 thinking that Rob would change everything, when really all he did was make it worse. At first it wasn’t so bad to be emotionally abused, it was just kind of an extension of the things my dad said when he was angry. The only difference was that I could excuse my dad because of his lack of control in life. My husband was all together different, in the fact that he chose to make me miserable. Then he chose to hit. I think it came as a surprise to him the first time he did it and he saw how easy it was to control me, that he did it over and over again.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question, I think that I didn’t want to be a failure in that part of my life too. I played my role as caretaker very well in that relationship too. I took care of him and his needs, with nothing left for me.

I finally got divorced from Rob, it was the hardest thing to do. I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and really see what was going on and it took a while but I finally got out.

With no self confidence or self worth to speak of I threw myself into my work and quickly became the best that I could be, because maybe I could get some sort of validation from a job. Someone would see me and think that I was worth something.

Over the years I’ve chased love, trying to find my place in the grand scheme of things. I married again and was for a little while happy. I thought I was being taken care of for once. Turns out all he really cared about was himself and what others thought. After partying at a strip club with his friends he proceeded to come home to throw up after doing the deed. He was too hungover to go visit my family with me the next day when we had a “my dad is dying” scare.  I visited my family by myself and then drove back to Arizona and told him it was over.

Maybe that seems harsh, but I was devastated. The situation showed me exactly what he thought of me. Here it was two years into the relationship and I’d worked my butt off to pay off his bills and then he pukes on me.

I eventually married again, yes, the third time’s a charm. We are happily married, however, I am not happy. I am so stretched to my limit. I need a break. I was diagnosed with undiagnosed PPD and hypothyroidism. I never have any energy and feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown all the time.

My life now is full of demands on my time, from work to my husband, and most of all my kids. I don’t have time for myself, ever.

I deserve a spa getaway, because I really need one. I need to have some time, some where that I can completely decompress. If I don’t “win” I’m sure I will be fine, however I would love the chance to just, be.

Just be, without any demands on my time but my own. I’m not really sure what that is like, but I’m sure I’d love it.

Finding My Way

The sky is gray, filled with clouds pregnant with rain. Though it is dark and gloomy, there are the occasional slices of sunshine that promise better weather in the future.

The boys aren’t home and the walls are filled with unusual silence. These are the moments I long for in the middle of a day, filled with screams and yells of little boys fighting the battles that they must fight to find their place in this world.

I like to think that I am like any other mom out there. I am fiercely devoted to my children, and love them with every fiber of my being. That being said, I am also extremely frustrated on a daily basis by their constant testing of the boundaries set  by me. This means that some times I yell when I don’t want to, I am harsher than I need to be and make my babies cry.

What is it about motherhood that is so painful and rewarding at the same time? Why do I still feel like a kid trying to find my way through the labrynth that is life?

Do you still feel like you are lost and trying to find your way? I know I can’t be the only one out here that is taking it one day at a time, trying to figure out what is best for me and my family.

Goodness, I hope not.

Those Were The Days My Friend…

Heavens to murgtroid, it’s amazing. What is? Oh just the fact that I’ve written 3 posts in the last few days.

I know it’s crazy, it must have something to do with the light I can see at the end of the tunnel.

Tonight was my going away dinner with my fellow managers and it was a lot of fun. We talked about issues and had a few laughs remembering our favorite stories. It’s really kind of bittersweeet, definitely more sweet than bitter, but bittersweet all the same.

It was fun to go back in time and remeber all the good times I’ve had over the last 15 years.

There were some really good times such as on all the openings I did as an hourly for this restaurant. Oh my, they were so much fun back in the good old days. Sharing a room with someone you just met, staying up all night drinking and playing games. We used to hang out all night and get up to work after three hours of sleep and do it all over again the next day, and this went on for two weeks. Sure, we were exhausted but we had fun.

I am glad though, that it’s almost over. 3 shifts and counting.

Short Timers

I have a serious case of short timers syndrome. My last day as a manager is Saturday, the 24 of January. That’s next Saturday! I’m so excited. I am so tired of dealing with crappy workers and rude guests.

I had a guest last night that refused to pay for her steak because;  her medium rare steak wasn’t charred on the outside, called her server a bitch becuase she got her drink wrong, (she was a mumbler and even I couldn’t understand what she ws saying). The two men at the table kept apologizing for her behavior. It was awesome.

It was alo a treat for me to call the sheriffs department to come to the restaurant, because we have a transient that comes into the restaurant everynight and goes to sleep in a booth. I told him he couldn’t sleep there but he pretended to be asleep and not hear me.  He was in the foyer for 3 hours, sleeping.

I had an employee that had 4 different tables complain about her, in a row. I had to discipline her with documentation and a good talking to. She didn’t care and just said she had a bad night. Really, WTF?

I don’t understand that mentality and don’t want to deal with it any longer. I’m going to stay home, do my blogging and do my darndest to make sure my kids aren’t miserable brats when they grow up.

I am going to stay on and bar tend one day a week, just for the social aspect oft he job.  The lure of the extra cash that I can bring home every week is hard to resist. It should be interesting to see how all the hourlies act when I become one of them. It’s like coming back from the dark-side.

My point? My dedication at work right now is very suspect. My attitude is very “let’s have fun at work”, which is normal, but now it’s definitely “on”.

I’m tired of being in charge, I just want to do my job and go home now. I want to be with my kids and be an active part of their lives.

Nobody Walks in L.A.

Do you remember that song? My husband had never heard of it until I looked it up on itunes for him.

My friend Heather and I have been going on walks every weekday for three weeks now and my tushy hurts. Our walks have grown from just a walk up the street to serious forays into the dessert. We take two of my dogs so they can roam free and boy do they have fun.

We both are trying to lose weight and feel better about ourselves. We’re almost to 21 days, which is what it takes to form a habit so maybe we’ll stick to it.

I’m not really an open person but I’ve really had some good conversations with her about everything you could possibly think of. I think that I may have found a new friend.

Yay! for me. I don’t make friends very easily because I’m such a biznitch but she is too so it’s okay.

Singing with the Boys

My new favorite thing to do is teach the boys songs that I feel they should appreciate. Songs like: American Pie, Thank God I’m A Country Boy, and others like that. The songs are either classics or some from my childhood that were near and dear to my heart.

My dad had Don McLean’s greatest hits and my sister and I could sing American Pie forwards and backwards. My dad and I used to sing John Denver’s Looking for Space at the top of our lungs in the car. It was the best time, I will treasure those moments always.

I want my kids to have those kind of memories. The yelling and dancing in the backseat, genuinely having a great time together.  We have a special song that we boogie to, it’s called “E” extended version. It’s a little mix of techno and dance. The boys are allowed to scream as loud as they can, it’s a big hit.

Atticus sometimes asks to hear “Puff the Magic Dragon”, I think it’s because he knows it will make me cry.

Some, Could Be Worse, News For Tricia

I had a doctors appointment today. I’ve had quite a few appointments lately just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I’m 35, which is not old no matter what the kids at work say, I have two kids and I’m exhausted.

This isn’t the kind of exhaustion of a long day, well spent in physical activity, it’s the bone weary kind of tired. My attitude sucks, my relationship with Whit is fine, but my general feeling is that of unhappiness.

I have no patience, I never have, but now it’s worse. I’ve gained weight that no matter how much effort I put into diet and exercise I can’t take off.

I was finally diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in February, my second doctors appt. and I had to bring it up. The Hypothyroidism is only part of my problem. The doctor I saw today said that the medication I take for that, should put a big jolt in my energy level. The only thing is, I’ve been taking it since February and, yes I have good days, but for the most part they are few and far between.

I get mad at my kids for no reason other than the fact that they are loud and put me on edge, because you know, they are 5 and 2. I get mad and irritated at Whit for no reason, well there are reasons, but I won’t go into them here. Work is a whole other issue. I have no patience for the job not getting done by my co-workers, or worker.

That being said, the doctor asked questions like do you feel yourself being on edge? No, wait yes. I do. do you feel suicidal, um no. Definite no.

He asked a lot of questions that I had to think about to answer.

Diagnosis, Depression. He says that he thinks that because of the amount of time I have felt the way I do, I have PPD. From 5 years ago, really!?! He says my PPD went untreated and because I developed Hypothyroidism, it made it worse. A downward spiral, his exact words. Awesome.

I have to go to another doctor in two weeks, to see about treatment. Whether it be anti-depressants or something else, the doctor will let me know.

He asked me how I felt about being depressed. Well I feel good about being diagnosed, because I thought I was slowly losing my mind, but the diagnosis itself, I guess it could be worse.

If I do end up taking anti depressants, is it to much to ask that they be the kind that don’t make you put on weight?

Stream Of Conciousness

This is my stream of conciousness post. It’s harder then it seems to just let go, and let the words flow. I tend to gut check words and automatically erase.

Zane don’t stick your apple in my water. I don’t even kow where my stream of conciuosness is going. I am making it too hard. I’m over thinking it like I do everything in life. I have always done that. I get all A’s on school work and bomb the test because I over think and over analyze everything. It sucks because I know I’m smart  and would succeed if only I could ever finish anything I started. I am always gung ho at the beginning and then unless I’m challenged my interest wans and I am left with a project i don’t want to do and not enought time to delegate it to someone else to finish. This means I end up doing a lot of things I don’t,  Zane stop with the water. You are going to make the sink fall over on you. I’m not sure why we haven’t fixed the looseness of the sink. Speaking of loose I thouroughly detest when someone mispells lose and puts loose in the sentence instead. I mean come on.

Times up.

That was a really long five minutes and a really short five minutes. I’ve never done the stream of conciousness thing. My husband recommended and thought I would give it a try.

Maybe next time I’ll try to focus on things outside, that might make a more interesting 5 minutes.