The most frightening dream I’ve ever had

Last night I had a crazy nightmare. I don’t know what brought it on, but it was a doozy.

The dream started innocently enough, but it quickly turned dark and violent. I was outside, looking for Atticus. I was behind the townhouses next door and I was calling for him to come home.

I turned to see a man start running away through the brush with Atticus under his arm. I screamed out Atticus’s name and for the man to stop. He didn’t. I felt like a mama bear, not just in the fact that I wanted to protect my kid, but in my mind’s eye I was big and fierce. Almost animal like in shape and shadow.

I ran through the brush and because I was uphill from the man, I was able to catch up and jump on him. He let Atticus go and I screamed for him to run up the hill and get his brother and go to the neighbors house.

Atticus, being 6, was scared, but had enough whine in him to say that he couldn’t run up the hill because he was tired. Seriously kid, you almost got kidnapped and you are going to whine about the hill.

By this time I had picked myself up and was backing away from the crazy man. The image of him was so real that I can still, hours later,  picture what he looked like. Dark greasy hair, bushy eyebrows, about 5′10″-5′11″, thin build and really jacked up teeth. Not just crooked, but dirty and nasty.

I ran up the hill towards the house. Atticus was ahead of me. I told him to go across the street to get the neighbor and ask for help. I had enough time to watch him go and start banging on the door.

I ran in the house to find Zane, my little 3-year-old. As I ran around screaming for him the man followed me in. He shut the front door and came after me. I ran by the bathroom to the boys room only to see that he wasn’t there. I realized he was in the bathroom as the man stepped into the bathroom with him.

He grabbed Zane and was threatening to kill him. Yes, kill him. He told me he would throw him down and step on him to kill him. I didn’t know what else to do. I jumped. I lunged for him and tried to make his body turn so Zane landed on top.

I was beaten and bruised, my skin was torn up due to the blackberry brambles. My throat was scratched and hoarse from screaming.

My neighbors came in to help, they pulled me out of the bathroom and the police were called.

That was when I woke up. Needless to say I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I got up and started my day. It was too frightening to even contemplate having another dream like that.

This is why I started my day at 4:45am today. Anyone want to try and interpret that dream for me?

Lost. . .

I am lost.

I keep trying to find me, but there are so many detours and roadblocks that I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I know that I’m not the person I used to be, at all. No where near the person I used to know and love.

What am I supposed to do? How do I get from point A to point B?

I was diagnosed with post-partum depression after my second son was born, but I really think that I’ve been depressed for far longer than that.

It’s the lack of motivation, the slow weight gain over the years, the fact that I haven’t been happy for as long as I can remember, that tells me so.

I know this is my blog and I can write whatever I want, but I feel like such a negative nancy all the time. I don’t want to put such negative vibes out there, but gosh darn it, that’s all I feel, all the time.

There is the baseless anger that I feel towards my kids and husband. I get so angry that I don’t even have the capacity to deal. At all.

Why am I angry?

I am angry because I feel that every one gets to do everything but me. Really though, part of it is me, I don’t want to go when I finally get the opportunity.

It’s a horrible vicious circle that I can’t break out of.

I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the day to day that I can’t function. I can only concentrate on my work and drown every thing out.

Pathetic, right? I know it’s not, but it’s still hard.

Every day is hard. Getting up out of bed, getting the kids ready for school, sitting down to work. It’s all a battle. I’m not really sure why it has to be so hard.

It’s ridiculous really. I used to have it all together, but not anymore. My chest is tight, my head is heavy, I’m short of breath and my brain is tired.

I am tired.

The First Day Of School

Today was the first day of school for Atticus. He’s a big bad first grader now and after we dropped him off, I felt my stress level decrease by a 1000 fold. Is that bad?

I love my kids, but they completely stress me out. Hi cortisol, how are you?

Zane starts preschool next week and he’ll be gone three days a week for 3 hours. That will be M,W,F of every week that I will have time to do stuff besides be stressed out about my kids.

I haven’t really figured out why they stress me out. I don’t think I really want to delve into the reasons that make me freak out when my kids are in the same room for prolonged periods of time.