A Rant – Unresolved Issues Rear Their Ugly Head

*** You’ll have to excuse my ramblings, it seems I’m trying to work through some issues while my dad is in the hospital.***

It’s kind of funny being home with my family. It brings back so many weird memories and issues.

My sister and I never got along. Scratch that, we got along when my dad was mad at both of us and that’s pretty much it.

Why am writing about her and why am I mad at her? Because I am worried about my dad and this comes second nature.  Wrong I know, but it’s what we do.

She is infuriating. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I don’t get her and don’t know what makes her tick. Actually, that’s wrong too. I know what makes her tick.

She s a very self-absorbed girl. She thinks that she is the only one who knows anything and now that she has a new boyfriend, he is the only one that knows anything.

We all went out to dinner last night and she and her boyfriend are the only ones that talked, but not for lack of trying. My mom and I didn’t talk because we couldn’t get a word in edgewise. They talked about crap that only he cares about and when we tried to bring up anything else they entertained themselves with conversation betwixt themselves and ignored us completely.

Really?

When you are trying to get from A to B, you go from A to B. She is the type of person that goes from A to L to R to Z to 6 and then maybe she’ll hit B. She drives me nuts. She doesn’t do anything without some sort of angle.

She has a good heart, but man don’t cross her, she gets mean and vicious. Once she says something, no matter what she’s said before, it’s the truth. It erases everything else that’s ever come out of her mouth. It’s annoying.

Again, I ask myself why am I bitching about her? Because she’s my sister and she’s supposed to be there for me. She was too selfish after my dad got in his accident 25 years ago and I resent her for it.

So now when my dad gets sick and we all have to band together to survive, I can’t deal because I know that she’s always going to come first. If she does something you can count on the fact that she will hang it over your head later on and say you didn’t appreciate it.

When we were kids — me ,11-18 and her, 13 -20— she caused so much pain, heartache and drama in the house that I hold every bit of it against her. It makes me so angry.

I am still so angry at her. I’ve never been able to let go of that anger.

I’ve forgiven my mom and dad for all the roughness that was my teenage years.  I had no control over my own life, because my dad was going through the 5 stages you go through during a “stressful” time and he had no control. Though he had the control to make my life hell or not.

Let me tell you, It wasn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.

I haven’t forgiven my sister, because I feel that she should have been there for me. Instead, while everyone was dealing with the pain and emotional consequences of my dad’s accident I was left alone. Physically and emotionally.

I was 11, but the amount of responsibility that I absorbed was phenomenal and I grew up fast. By the time I was 12 I was 25.

My sister though, being older and a little more mature fought for her childhood and her control and left me in the dust. There was no one to fight for me.

Wow, I sound pathetic, but I was really sad and since then I’ve been angry at her. My big sister that let me down all those years ago.

I should probably try to resolve these issues, but she’s so hard to talk to. So hard to communicate with. She apologizes without any really feeling, no remorse. She doesn’t realize that I was devastated by her abandonment.

Now she tries to be all huggy and stuff and it makes me angry. She calls to talk about her and her life but doesn’t really ask about me. I listen, but when it’s my turn to talk she has to get off the phone. She’s still so self-centered it’s maddening. Everyone just has to accept her for who she is, but don’t cross her by being honest and telling her things. She doesn’t like it and she will retaliate.

Just writing this down has made me feel better. Now for the hard part confronting her. Ooh my stomach hurts now…..