You know what really gets my goat? I bet you don’t, but I’ll tell you.

I hate to be treated like a child. Yes, I may look young, but I still know what the heck I’m doing.

I hate when people won’t let me finish my story. They just walk away before it is over, like it’s not good enough or they just move on to something else. Oh my goodness that is so annoying. That happens to me all the time. I’m sorry if my story isn’t riotous and you aren’t falling on the floor laughing, but I just listened to your damned story about the time you stepped in a cow paddy and got poop on your $200 dollar pair of shoes. So focus, it will only take thirty seconds.

I hate when I’m in a group and the people in the group turn me out of the circle. Heavens, are we still in middle school. Give me a break, you are no better than I.

I hate when people park their super expensive cars against the curb at the grocery store because they are so special. They aren’t special, they are just lazy.

I dislike when people interrupt me while I’m reading a book and am fully engrossed and someone comes up to ask me what I’m reading. I actually bought a bookmark that I’m going to start showing to people that says ” Go away, I’m reading a really good book.”

Even though I hate all those things I wouldn’t say anything to you if you did anyone of those things. I figure it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round. Though I’m getting a little tired of being the one that always has to adjust to someones way of doing things, because that’s just how they are and that is how they do things. Yeah , well, I have my own way of doing things as well. So there!

Love,

Tricia

P.S. I really can’t stand when people write loose instead of lose. I will always read it incorrectly out of principal.

P.P.S I can’t stand typos in books. Don’t they have someone that checks that stuff?

Do you ever get excited about a new book you have recently heard of, or a new TV show that is getting rave reviews from everyone you know about and then find out you don’t like it because it is just like a book you read last year?

Disappointing isn’t it.

I find in reaching out to find new things to read about, new authors and writing styles to examine, I was missing people and blogs I thought were  in my reader that weren’t and now I am so glad they are. I’m following more links from others to new sites just for the rush of finding something new to gush about.

I haven’t watched TV in over a month and wow, is my mind free of all the drivel and it provides. Sure I have a lot of shows I’d like to watch, but most of them are on hiatus so I can wait a little longer.

I’m just tired of seeing the same people doing the same things over and over again in different spaces. “Same shit, different pile.”

What would really be great is if there were some unsung heroes out there in the world, you know the quality over quantity people, it would be nice if someone put them on a pedestal to be read and adored. I guess we are all driven by different things though, right, and anything different is scary.

I’m really glad that I’ve been broadening my horizons and found some great sites that make me feel good when I read them.

Love,

Tricia

We moved into this new little place on August 2 and it already feels like we’ve been here forever. And it is not just because there is still crap everywhere.

The house creaks and groans through the whips of the branches in the breeze. Occasionally, mostly in the late afternoon sun, the white moss in the dry creek bed sends its pungent odor wafting our way and I think that I can’t wait for winter when the creek is running at its full potential. Then I get a little scared because, oh gosh I hate the winter, but then I remember I’m not in Seattle anymore and I relax a little.

I’ve been taking walks in the morning before I get ready for work and have found that I much prefer the cacophony of wild parrots to the insistent caws of the crows.

Even though we get the far reaches of the marine layer here in the canyon it is still sunny everyday and I am so happy. The marine layer and the morning mist keep it cool enough in the morning to exercise and by the time it burns off I am at work basking in the sun coming in the air-conditioned office, windows.

The boys are happy to be where it is sunny and are ready to start school next week. Atticus is ready for third grade and Zane is chomping at the bit for kindergarten. In fact he had to get a TB test yesterday and remarked  that he “really wants to go to kindergarten, but he doesn’t want to get  shot” and cried foul that Atticus didn’t have to get one.

That is it for now, I’ll update you again soon.

Love, Tricia

I didn’t attend any of the panels because really, we’ve seen how much I blog and I just went to make connections and meet people face-to-face. The thing I didn’t expect to happen though, was to come to grips with something that has been plaguing me my whole life.

I learned that it is okay for me not to “fit in” with any one group or way of thinking.

As a kid in school I was friends with everyone, but I really only hung out with one person at a time. We would go about our merry way, do what we wanted to do, make the rounds and chat for a minute or two with the “groups” of kids and then go back to doing our thing.  We would chat with the cheerleaders, joke with the jocks and converse with the nerds/geeks/what-have-you and then we again go hang out by ourselves. Some people thought this was odd and would say so.

As an adult I’ve always felt uncomfortable when I have to talk to the same people for a long period of time because I would run out of things to say. I am not good at inane chatter and prefer to talk in-depth rather than just scratch the surface. I guess that is what makes me a good ” party wife”. I can make the rounds with or without Whit, not because I’m so social, but because I have to keep moving.

I thought it was something that it wasn’t. I thought it was a negative thing. I thought I didn’t fit in because there was something wrong with me. That I wasn’t accepted into a group because of something that I did or didn’t do or say.

While at Blogher with my ever so extroverted husband, who can talk to anyone, about anything I had to make my own way a lot of the time and I came to the realization that it is not a bad thing that I can’t actually physically talk to the same people for long periods of time.

It’s okay that I want to be by myself and let things ruminate in my brain. I’m traditionally a listener anyway and need some time after a conversation to process what I’ve heard and file it away for a rainy day.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t spend a lot of my time alone at Blogher. I chatted with everyone I was introduced to, a few people over and over again because they were just so charming.

This acceptance of me, just the way I am, is my biggest takeaway from Blogher.

The clouds so soft and pillow-like in appearance hover, waiting to crush the fevered soul looking to escape, crushing me with the weight of their darkness

The rain pelts down, beating me into submission making me afraid to look up and beyond.

The wind, so reviled before, buffets me up again and again helping me to stand.

The ruts in the road make it impossible to fly

Maybe that sounds bitchy and ungrateful to those that do volunteer, I treasure them, I truly do, but come on people, I’m tired.

I go to the PTA meetings and the teacher representative makes it sound like the teachers don’t appreciate what we’re doing. Perhaps she’s a dour old wind-bag and I’m taking it all wrong, but man, she chaps my hide.

It’s the same people at the meeting, the same people volunteering, the same people doing all the stuff. I know more parents care about their kid’s education and making sure the school has everything it needs, but we need help.

ARGHHHH

I spent so much time visiting my father in the hospital that I should be used to the sight of the sick and infirm. I even spent 6 months working in a convalescent hospital, so I have no excuse.

I hate feeling so insensitive to the needs of others, but I can’t handle the sight of those that are sick or disabled. It makes me sick to my stomach and then I get mad at myself for reacting in that way.

I don’t know if I’m reacting to them because I know what it’s like to be in a family with a disabled person, to have people staring, wondering what happened. I do know that because I react so strongly to them internally, I make sure to interact with them, to address them and not exclude them.

I remember sitting at work, trying to eat my lunch while reading a story that was posted on the wall about a little girl who was a patient at St Jude’s Childrens Hospital. I couldn’t finish my meal.

I sometimes wonder if it’s a cruelty to work so hard to keep them going, when their bodies are trying so hard to give up.  And then I have to give myself a shake and tell myself it’s awful to think that way at all. What have their loved ones given up and done to make sure that they can enjoy even a little bit of life.

I know it’s awful. I don’t talk about this. Ever.

It’s something I hate about me…

Hallelujah!  (cue choir of angels singing)

It turns out I was on information overload. Between working on my computer all day and being entertained on my computer when I wasn’t working, I fried my brain. I was short with people, I had no patience and I lost all faith in humankind.

So I unplugged. I had to get away from it all. Turns out, it was the best thing I could have done for me. Nowadays, I’m only on the computer for perhaps an hour a day, maybe two and that’s enough for me.

I am involved with my kids. I get down on the floor and play games with them. I make dinner almost every night, I still have to work you know.

Best part of the whole experience is that I’m tired. I’m going to bed earlier, falling asleep easier and quicker, and actually dreaming at night. I even remember  some of my dreams.

So I’m going to keep my head mostly out of the computer and engaged in the moments that are happening all around me.

Once in a while I will actually come back around here and write down how it’s going.

I feel like I’ve been searching for myself and who I want to be by reading about what other people doing, their coming and goings have nothing to do with me and who I am.

I’m 37 years old and trying to live vicariously through people I’ve never met.

I haven’t been online very much lately because I’ve been out living life. I’ve been trying to be more present in my kids lives. We’ve been hanging out together, playing catch and building things.

Maybe it’s just because it’s summer vacation or perhaps it was just a phase for me. Perhaps I’ll be more enthused when school starts again, perhaps I need to find some new blogs to read. Maybe I just need to go to the library and get a different perspective.

I’ve been having fun hanging out with friends, you know, in real life. It’s fun to go and have coffee and chit chat about the inane and wonderful.

I’ve never been really good at sharing personal detail about my life which is why it’s so difficult for me to write on my blog. I’m not socially awkward so I don’t need to talk about my fear of people. There is nothing for me to share but the complaints about stupid crap and who wants to hear those. I know I sure don’t.

I want to spend some time exploring my state with my kids and dine at new restaurants with my husband. I don’t feel depressed anymore so I don’t want to dwell on that low time in my life.

I’m moving on to bigger and better things.

Should I get excited about this stuff or should I just lay low?

What to do, what to do?

I just can’t wait until the end of the August.

Let’s go stuff, work out for the best.