Sunset Over Washington

Tuesday night it was 100 degrees in our house. I guess that’s what happens when it’s 103 outside and there is no A/C in sight. We all jumped in walked slowly to the car and sat in the blessed cool.

We drove around for 3 hours, wasting gas soaking up the cool. We drove north, past Kirkland and took a left at Everett and headed to the water. We drove through some sort of ghetto neighborhood, which is what I thought all of Everett look like. Then we found an old neighborhood full of beautiful houses and green lawns. So that’s why I have to ration my lawn watering, so the old established homes can keep their laws green. Seriously, one of the houses had three sprinklers going.

We drove through Forest Park and ended up at Harborview Park. What a nice spot to watch the sunset it ended up being.  The kids got out of the car and made friends in about three seconds flat. Don’t you wish you were that young again? We sat in the grass and watched the sun go down. We were waiting for the relief nightfall would bring.

Sunset was at 8:48 pm. Not soon enough. Relief from the heat came days hours later.

These are the pictures I took with my iphone. Not bad, but I’m searching for a camera that will do the scenery justice.

My Lack Of Motivation is Killing Me

I keep saying that I’m going to get up and go for a run or a hike. I need to get up and go first thing in the morning or it’ll never get done.

I have no motivation. It sucks. I need to go to bed earlier, so I can get up earlier and beat the heat. I want my “outside” me to be the me that I visualize. Not the”me” I see in the mirror.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how to get that me back. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I don’t want to try another crazy diet, because they just hurt you in the long run. I need a workout buddy. Someone that is going to drag my booty out of bed in the morning and cheer me on. It’s the whole, until I see results I’ll talk myself out of it, thing.

It’s stupid really.  I want to be this girl again.

I wasn’t in the best shape, but I was skinnier/healthier than I am now.  I’m 5′10″ and in this picture I probably weighed about 145-150. That is my goal. To be that size again. I don’t need to be my super skinny self at 125. I was skinny but healthy at that time.

Funny Thing About Feminism

I’m pretty sure I have the less popular view about feminism than most women. A lot of women I know are all for “woman power” and standing up for our rights. They belittle and tear down anyone who gets in their way. I’m not really sure I want to be that kind of woman.

My humble opinion about feminism is just this: It stinks. The so called feminism of today is not what our fore-mothers wanted. They wanted us to be able to vote, to have rights and equal pay. Sure there are some companies out their that pay their woman less for the same work and that need to be addressed. However the average schmo on the street is just trying to get by.We got what they worked so hard for. I don’t feel I’m stifled in any way because I’m a woman, do you?

The feminist of today is scary. Some of these women take it to a level of manliness that is not becoming. Aren’t we woman? Yes, I can build stuff, I can even work on cars. Yet, I am still gracious as befits a woman, it’s our internal, love driven womanliness I’m talking about. I don’t try to shame men into doing what I want them to do. I get smart and accomplish my goals another way. Don’t you feel empty and a little sad after you trample some man and his opinion?

It goes against our very nature to be so callous and unfeeling. The way some women treat men is unforgivable. The rumors, the character assassination, the down right lies that are told on a daily basis are beyond belief. This is not high school.

I miss being treated like a lady. I miss having the door opened for me by grown men. I teach my sons that they need to act like gentlemen, please teach your daughters to act like ladies.

I know this post rambles a little, but I am truly sickened by the fact that some of my so called “sisters” would say some of the things they’ve said about my male friends and my husband. This so called sisterhood is supposed to be a positive environment, not a stick it to the man session.

I don’t want to be that kind of woman.

The feminist movement of today is allowing men to be callous and lazy. I don’t want that kind of man.

Whit Is Home – Thank God For That

Whit is finally home. I think that may have been the longest 10 days of my life, well at least the second longest period of time, ever. The boys were crazy, they didn’t listen more than half the time and infuriated me beyond belief. Sure, they had some really sweet moments. They played well together some of the time and the other was pure violence. Just mean and nasty little boys being mean just for spite.

Being a Single Parent Sucks

I have never felt so unappreciated. Everything I’ve done for my kids this week has pretty much been thrown back in my face. I’ve taken them to the lake to play on the sandbar for hours, because it’s what they like to do and on the way home they fight and yell in the car.

I signed Zane up for camp this week so that he could get out, be social and have fun with other little kids. He has fun while he’s there, but then he gets in the car and whines for the next three hours.

Atticus is precious while Zane is gone for 2 1/2 hours. When Zane gets home they do nothing but fight and be mean to each other.

Maybe it would be different if I didn’t work at home and they were in day care, but I don’t and they’re not.

Arrgh!!! That’s such an understatement!

Too Damn Smart For His Own Good

Grammy's Dog

Atticus, my 5 almost 6-year-old, spent the night at his friends house on Tuesday. Yes it was a school night, but we figured, since it was his last week, it didn’t matter if he stayed up late one night.

Wednesday morning his friend’s mom left me a text to assure me that all went well, the kids were in bed by 9:15 and Atticus was an angel. Sighs of relief all around. I sat there and thought, “Okay, that wasn’t so bad, he didn’t embarrass me, there were no, middle of the night breakdowns and he got to school on time.” Phew

About 10am we get a phone call from the nurses office, “Atticus is sick, please come get him. “Oh no, I thought, what happened, did he miss me? “I drove to the school quick, like a bunny, and peered into the nurses office. There he was, sitting on the bench, backpack on, ready to go.

He didn’t look sick to me, but the nurse said, “Low-grade fever”, so I took him. As soon as we exited the office,”you aren’t really sick are you?” I asked. “No” he answered with a sneaky little smile. We got in the car, I turned to ask him what the deal was and he said, “Kadin’s mom took us too the liquor store and got us gatorade and chips and extreme airheads candy, she told us we couldn’t have the candy until we were out of school and now I’m out of school so can I have my candy.”

What!?!

The little stinker “tricked” his teacher into letting him go to the office, the nurse into taking his temperature, convinced her into calling us, all so he could try out the new candy he had never tried before.

Yes, I know he was sneaky and techincally lied, but man he’s good. We did have a little talk with him about trust and being able to count on him to tell the truth, but seriously, he’s a smarty pants.

I’m going to have to watch this one!!

Are You Reading Me?

So I’ve decided I really stink at blogging. I mean, I really want to do it on regular basis, but I just can’t think of anything to say.

The thing is, I don’t know any of you, besides the few I’ve met, so it’s hard to open up and tell you my secrets. So I’ve decide to tell you about things that I like, then maybe I will be able to open up and let the real stuff out, before it festers.

So today I’m going to tell you about the kind of books I like to read. That would be all of them!

No really, I love to read. I was the girl that read so much my mom had to take the book out of my hand to get my attention. I remember a time when I was 10 or 11, I was in the shower, the window was open to the back yard and I was in hot water. I got in trouble because my dad was in the backyard and he could see me leaning against the back wall with the water pointed down so as to not get my book wet, because I just couldn’t put it down.

I read under the covers with a flash light and in the back of the car on the highway at night, using the moonlight to see the words leap off the page.

Reading is my escape and my first real love. I’ve never had much of an imagination, I can’t imagine what something is going to look like and I never had imaginary friends when I was little, I had friends in books. They were friends that I could laugh with, cry with, I could run the gamut of emotion with them and it was okay, they would still be there for me tomorrow.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I started out with Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, The Happy Hollisters and Judy Bolten and The Hardy Boys. Those books are some of my favorite that I read over and over again and still do when feeling nostalgic. I wanted to be Trixie Belden and had a crush on Honey’s older brother just like she did. I, in my own mind was as clever as Nancy Drew and wanted cousins like Bess and George to have adventures with.

In the morning before school I would read the cereal box if I didn’t have a book handy and yes, I was the kid who took the time to read the dictionary.We had a really old dictionary with names and their meanings and a whole set of encyclopedias, I never had a shortage.

My sister and I used to ride our bikes to the library all the time and stay for hours. Summer reading lists were burned through in 2-3 weeks and I yearned for more. I had a voracious appetite for words and the places they could take me.

I am still the same way. I would much rather read a good book than watch a movie. When I find a good book, I have no problem reading a second or third time, they just keep getting better. There are so many things that you miss the first or second time through, things you may not appreciate in January, but come to appreciate in August.

Is it any wonder that my boys are named Atticus and Zane?

Why I Need To Get Away

This is my story of why I need to get away.

I’ve never really been what you would call a sharer. What I mean by that is, I’m not really good at sharing my fears, emotions or feelings of joy. I don’t want to be a burden.

Why am I like that? I’ve been hurt and my trust has been betrayed so many times that I can’t put it out there anymore.

When I was 11 my dad was in a serious bicycle accident and I had to grow up overnight. I missed out on so many of the childhood experiences that should have been mine for the taking.  I was a daddy’s girl through and through and I was devastated by his accident. From then on my role has been care taker and peace keeper and now, I am exhausted.

I was so emotionally stunted that I got married at 18 thinking that Rob would change everything, when really all he did was make it worse. At first it wasn’t so bad to be emotionally abused, it was just kind of an extension of the things my dad said when he was angry. The only difference was that I could excuse my dad because of his lack of control in life. My husband was all together different, in the fact that he chose to make me miserable. Then he chose to hit. I think it came as a surprise to him the first time he did it and he saw how easy it was to control me, that he did it over and over again.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question, I think that I didn’t want to be a failure in that part of my life too. I played my role as caretaker very well in that relationship too. I took care of him and his needs, with nothing left for me.

I finally got divorced from Rob, it was the hardest thing to do. I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and really see what was going on and it took a while but I finally got out.

With no self confidence or self worth to speak of I threw myself into my work and quickly became the best that I could be, because maybe I could get some sort of validation from a job. Someone would see me and think that I was worth something.

Over the years I’ve chased love, trying to find my place in the grand scheme of things. I married again and was for a little while happy. I thought I was being taken care of for once. Turns out all he really cared about was himself and what others thought. After partying at a strip club with his friends he proceeded to come home to throw up after doing the deed. He was too hungover to go visit my family with me the next day when we had a “my dad is dying” scare.  I visited my family by myself and then drove back to Arizona and told him it was over.

Maybe that seems harsh, but I was devastated. The situation showed me exactly what he thought of me. Here it was two years into the relationship and I’d worked my butt off to pay off his bills and then he pukes on me.

I eventually married again, yes, the third time’s a charm. We are happily married, however, I am not happy. I am so stretched to my limit. I need a break. I was diagnosed with undiagnosed PPD and hypothyroidism. I never have any energy and feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown all the time.

My life now is full of demands on my time, from work to my husband, and most of all my kids. I don’t have time for myself, ever.

I deserve a spa getaway, because I really need one. I need to have some time, some where that I can completely decompress. If I don’t “win” I’m sure I will be fine, however I would love the chance to just, be.

Just be, without any demands on my time but my own. I’m not really sure what that is like, but I’m sure I’d love it.

Finding My Way

The sky is gray, filled with clouds pregnant with rain. Though it is dark and gloomy, there are the occasional slices of sunshine that promise better weather in the future.

The boys aren’t home and the walls are filled with unusual silence. These are the moments I long for in the middle of a day, filled with screams and yells of little boys fighting the battles that they must fight to find their place in this world.

I like to think that I am like any other mom out there. I am fiercely devoted to my children, and love them with every fiber of my being. That being said, I am also extremely frustrated on a daily basis by their constant testing of the boundaries set  by me. This means that some times I yell when I don’t want to, I am harsher than I need to be and make my babies cry.

What is it about motherhood that is so painful and rewarding at the same time? Why do I still feel like a kid trying to find my way through the labrynth that is life?

Do you still feel like you are lost and trying to find your way? I know I can’t be the only one out here that is taking it one day at a time, trying to figure out what is best for me and my family.

Goodness, I hope not.

Those Were The Days My Friend…

Heavens to murgtroid, it’s amazing. What is? Oh just the fact that I’ve written 3 posts in the last few days.

I know it’s crazy, it must have something to do with the light I can see at the end of the tunnel.

Tonight was my going away dinner with my fellow managers and it was a lot of fun. We talked about issues and had a few laughs remembering our favorite stories. It’s really kind of bittersweeet, definitely more sweet than bitter, but bittersweet all the same.

It was fun to go back in time and remeber all the good times I’ve had over the last 15 years.

There were some really good times such as on all the openings I did as an hourly for this restaurant. Oh my, they were so much fun back in the good old days. Sharing a room with someone you just met, staying up all night drinking and playing games. We used to hang out all night and get up to work after three hours of sleep and do it all over again the next day, and this went on for two weeks. Sure, we were exhausted but we had fun.

I am glad though, that it’s almost over. 3 shifts and counting.